I have just returned from the most intense, powerful, exhausting, exhilerating, loving, juicy, sexy and transformational retreat. An experience that I can honestly say has changed my life.
I went to Finland, to a country I have never been to before, to go on the most intense retreat organised by De’an Matuka. When I told people about it, they thought it was crazy and dangerous and discouraged me from going. But my heart and my gut were giving me an almighty YES. I just knew I HAD to go. No excuses. I knew that this would be crucial in my development and healing journey
I don’t know how to describe the retreat, because it was a mix of many different disciplines, which De’an has practised and worked with in his life, both personally and professionally. A mix of Tantra, Biodanza, Reparenting, Emotional processing, Bodywork, somatic awareness.
And yes, the key component of the retreat was sexuality. This was a retreat in which we were working through our deepest fears in our sexuality and desires, in which everything within us was laid bare.
The retreat was 4 days, with 2 workshops a day and with a sexy play party on the Friday and Saturday evenings, which was also a session. In between we ate together and could just relax and talk and we were often giving each other massages and energy healing.
I’m not going to lie, I did struggle a lot through this, both emotionally and physically. It felt like a complete workout for my soul, where all my patterns, fears and struggles were brought up and laid bare, including my struggles with the fatigue and M.E. And what then added to the mix was I developed a nasty cough a few days before I left, which continued to get worse for a few days. It meant I had to miss the first workshop which I was gutted about.
In the welcoming session, we all sat down in a circle, feeling slightly awkward and nervous as to what was going to happen. De’an said that this was not going to be a relaxing retreat, this was going to be hard and we were going to be going down into our deepest, darkest pain. He wanted us to push our comfort zones because that is the way that you grow, and that by the end of this we would be feeling exhausted.
The foundation of this retreat was learning how to say Yes, No or Maybe. And if it was a No, it was with the greatest respect and love. And then accepting someone’s No. We all suffer with the pain of rejection. But here we learned that it is life: If someone says No to you, it doesn’t mean they hate you, but that it doesn’t feel right. I think everyone struggles with rejection.
To have people say No to me was hard because being rejected is one of my trigger points. But I learned that it is far better that the person say No than to ignore themselves and it not be right for them. This was infact the hardest, most painful lesson for me, and it resulted in me howling into the strong arms of a big Norwegian man while hitting him in frustration. But that was also healing, in allowing myself to be vulnerable and fully express my pain in a man’s arms, and have him be able to hold me in that.
Now I feel more secure to have people say No to me. And it has made me question how able I am to say No to people.
Another key component of this retreat was physical intimacy, and expressing love physically. If I wanted to hold and caress someone, I could. That freedom of expressing love, and that it didn’t have to lead to sex. I could sit with my legs intertwined with a man, or woman, caress each other’s arms, nuzzle into the neck, but it wasn’t with the expectation that it would lead to sex, which is how we usually behave. We were simply enjoying the journey and enjoying the intimacy, and nourishing eachother through touch. Wasn’t it a top psychologist who said we need 4 hugs a day to survive? I could express my love to someone, and be loved.
But I will admit that often the physical intimacy was intense. For someone who fiercely protects her own space, it was a workout being in close proximity to others, and sharing so much intimacy. And I wasn’t the only one, many of the others did too.
How many of us have intimacy issues? I think most of us do. We have such fear of our boundaries being violated, and of truly being held and accepted as we are that we close up in fear, and do not allow ourselves to be close to anyone. And then this leaks into our relationships, where both partners are scared of opening up and being close, yet at the same time want to give and receive love. One of the women opened up that she believed this was why her marriage had broken down, because she was deep down afraid of being loved.
I went on this retreat with many things I wanted to work on, but one of them was to push my boundaries and my comfort zone, physically and sexually. (Gently, of course.) Or how to say Yes or Maybe to more experiences.
In one exercise we had to dance with a partner from the heart, and then from the pussy or cock. Yes, we talked a LOT about our genitals. In dancing from here, it wasn’t physically whipping them out or joining them, but from their energy. From a place of primal lust, power and pure raw carnal shakti energy.
For me this was harder than I thought. Dancing from the heart- no problem. When I dance with a man this is what I do. But from my pussy? Thoughts racing through my head were, ‘I will look like a slut.’ ‘I will be a slut’ and ‘I will look ridiculous’.
How many of us women struggle with these thoughts? And men too.
When I shared this in the group afterwards, De’an said that this energy is so powerful that it is not bad or good, it just is. It burns like the sun.
Some partners I just didn’t find attractive and didn’t want to be sexual with. But I reminded myself of my wish to push my comfort zone, and so I dipped my toes in, and surrendered to feeling my body, and honouring what it was saying. I then noticed my fear of my boundaries being violated, and letting someone into my space.
And then we had to join the two, to dance from the heart AND the pussy. Another challenge for me, and something I am still working on integrating in my day to day life.
This workshop really pushed my comfort zones, and brought up my fears
The men were blindfolded and us women could do anything to them. And I mean anything. Nothing was off limits. We could be as wild and wanton as we liked. We were like naughty school girls and I was cackling my head off in glee, because finally I could let out my inner slut. Yes, slut. I was finally letting her out to explore and welcomed her!
But it was also liberating because I could approach the men I was scared of and attracted to, and I could finally explore and do what I wanted. I think we all have had a fantasy of what we would do to someone we found attractive if we were allowed to, so, if it was, what would you do?
Then it was the ladies turn. When I was blindfolded and touched, it was also liberating. Some men’s energies I didn’t feel attracted to, but I allowed myself to surrender to the experience. And I was pleasantly surprised that I enjoyed it.
It was erotic, titillating and thrillingly naughty.
The Friday and Saturday nights we had what was called sexy play parties which was a safe space to explore and live out your fantasies, with nothing off limits except what was not consented to. At the beginning we all sat down and were asked to openly discuss our fantasies, and then request for them. De’an pushed us to be direct and up front, approaching those we wanted the most and asking them, where they could then accept or decline or say maybe, and whatever their response it was accepted. In pushing us to be direct in what we wanted, and who we wanted, it was pushing us out of our comfort zones and fears of rejection.
For me, it was liberating in that here was a safe space where I could live my fantasy, and the point was that once you have lived your fantasy, would it change? Would it be how you expected it to be? How would you feel afterwards?
To be honest, mine was pretty tame. It was to be caressed all over. Some people were having full on sex. And it was allowed to watch. It is strange because it wasn’t at all like porn, it was just beautiful seeing two souls connect physically, and a reminder of just how natural sex is. Here there was no shame, no guilt, no taboo. All was open and laid bare.
And then the most strange thing was sharing it with the group the next day, of how you found the party and the sexy play, what bothered you or made you feel uncomfortable, what fears came up, and what anxieties.
On the last night, in the second sexy play party, I felt like I was finally stepping into myself. I danced with wild abandon, leaping across the floor not caring what I looked like, and I felt so completely and utterly free. And this is one thing I want to take from this, how free I became in my body and myself.
It felt like my body was breathing a sigh of relief, that I could truly let myself out.
This is enough to write for now, next week I will share more of this out of this world retreat.
I want to leave you with this question,