So what else did I experience?
In this retreat I became naked.
Yes, often I had no clothes on and it didn’t feel in the slightest bit smutty. On the first night, we had a traditional Finnish sauna, and if you didn’t know, in Finland you do sauna naked. So imagine a small, very hot and sweaty wooden box with about 15 naked strangers in there (when it only really had space for 7 comfortably) who then occasionally run outside to jump into the frozen lake. A whole group of us, completely starkers, in a hot sweaty room. I could just imagine the look of horror on a conservatives face!
There were other occasions where I had my clothes off in the group, and I can’t begin to describe not just how freeing it was, but how natural it felt. This was me, with nothing to hide behind. And this was everyone else with nothing to hide behind. It did so much in helping me with my body image, and feeling confidant in my body.
Infact, I would like to be bold enough to say that I think that so many body dysmorphia problems and eating disorders would be healed if you just spent an afternoon, or weekend naked with a group of strangers.
In this, this was the first time that I was allowing myself to be seen. I looked deeply into many people’s eyes. It felt like I was truly knowing and seeing this person, and that everything else was just the outer layers. It felt so nourishing to look deep into their souls, to see past all the external layers, masks and bullshit and truly see them.
Build Men Up
As much of a passionate feminist I am, I realised how much unconscious hatred of men I have. And also how I am inadvertently tearing them down. All women do.
A real surprise for me was learning how damaging and traumatising it is to a man to feel emasculated. De’an said how for a man to be cut down by a woman feels like being castrated. He told us women that we can make or break a man, and by building him up, he becomes more of the MAN we want him to be. We do not need to diminish our power as women by building up the men in our lives, and it benefits us too.
As I said, we talked a lot about our genitals, and De’an discussed how many men carry a very deep shame of their penises, and so are not fully able to inhabit them and their power. So in this next exercise, we were going right down into that pain, shame and trauma held there, and us women in our yonis.
By far, the most intense, painful yet deeply cathartic and healing session for me was De-armouring.
Our bodies are powerful vessels
, that contain so much wisdom, but also all our trauma and hurts. And this restricts us sexually and in being grounded in our femininity or masculinity. De-armouring
is the core of De’an’s work. So we had to find a partner we felt safe with, and we were going to internally de-armour each other. This is a specific technique and is not a pleasurable experience,
it is not sex, it is an act of service and deep releasing. I already knew who I wanted and he accepted, because I felt safe with him and that he would be able to contain me. I wasn’t nervous about my turn beforehand, because I wanted to get into my pain and release it, I was more nervous at whether I would hurt my partner and if I could do it correctly.
When it came to it, all the men were lying down on mattresses while the women held them, giving them loving energy. We looked deeply into eachother’s eyes and connected at the heart. The foundation of this exercise was to feel safe and loved, and to come from this place of love.
And then we started. Pretty soon all the men were roaring into that deep pain that they were holding. It was a primal, raw lion roar. I was scared that I was doing the technique correctly, and my partner was giving me feedback the whole time. It felt good to me to be able to hold him, and help him heal his deep pain. And in this I truly saw a man’s vulnerability and his pain, which I had been previously scared of seeing.
I was shocked at how much anger came up. My yoni was a fearsome, furious lion. I screamed and swore at my partner and tried to hit him. I roared out my deep hatred of men, and how they had violated my body. This coming from deep within my body, long stored and pushed down. I felt how it had been there for a very long time, stagnating in my system like rotting food. Sometimes it was too much and I had to ask him to stop because it was so intense. I could feel myself shaking and the energy rushing out of my hands, which is a sign of the energy being finally released.
At the close he held me and looked deeply into my eyes. A strong masculine presence.that I had needed for so long. I have never felt as beautiful and secure when lying his arms after this de-armouring.
‘You have never looked more beautiful’, he told me.
And so I learnt the real beauty of allowing my vulnerability to show.
The final workshop was to be the most painful, the most deep and the most intense, but by this time my body and emotions were shot to pieces, and my M.E. symptoms
of fatigue was really setting in and I felt tripped out of my body. So I was gutted that I had to miss this workshop and spend a couple of hours sleeping and reintegrating. I don’t want to go into the details of this because I don’t feel I could do it justice without having done and experienced it, but from what was described and what De’an told us, it was to deeply rewire out brains and our projecting our mum/dad issues onto our lovers and partners.
So, what do I want to take from this life changing experience?
To begin with, the fact that I managed to travel to FINLAND! A country I have never been to before and spoke none of the language. I travelled completely alone, although I knew who I was meeting and where. This pushed me out of what I thought I was able to do physically and emotionally, and made me realise that when something is completely right for me, then my body can do it. I learned through the Chrysalis Effect that when something is in line with your soul and life purpose, then your body gets stronger and heals. Because in my heart, gut and yoni, this retreat felt right for me, I could push myself beyond my limits.
Second, I want to take the ability to be able to cast off my inhibitions and let my true self out. It felt like I was able to cast off the shackles in my body and finally dance. When I arrived home in Eastbourne finally on Monday night, I was all sweaty and tired from travelling all day and so I decided to strip naked while I unpacked. I turned on my music, and sang my heart out while dancing around my room, no shackles. After years of feeling in chains, I felt like I could finally breathe and let my soul and body express themselves.
Third, I learned that it is OK to show my vulnerability. Although I do show it on here, in my personal life I crack jokes and show a very confidant front, but now I realise that I don’t have to act confidant all the time, and I can show my more fragile side, and be loved!
And finally, I feel like I found my inner juice, and I found my life purpose.
Because sexuality and sexual healing has been such an integral part of my healing process. And because sexuality is where we store our deepest, most darkest, most hidden fears and patterns. Sex is the most taboo topic that we ALL have traumas and blockages around. It is the subject that makes us most uncomfortable, most passionate, most angry, most powerful.
The way I see it: how can we truly heal ourselves if we are not including our sexuality? Because it is an INTEGRAL part of who we are as humans, it is integral to our psyche’s and our emotional and physical makeup.
I am full to bursting with gratitude for this wonderful, life changing experience. It was the brightest, fullest and happiest start to my 2015, and I feel charged up to make the rest of this year the best so far!
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